


The Walking Corpse in the Woods

by proleptic_fancy



Category: Bones (TV), Pundit RPF
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-24
Updated: 2007-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-28 06:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/proleptic_fancy/pseuds/proleptic_fancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a lot easier to solve a murder when the victim talks back. Getting him to shut up is a totally different story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Walking Corpse in the Woods

Dr. Brennan was mildly surprised to see her entire team waiting for her when she entered the lab, especially since Zach was supposed to be cataloging evidence from closed cases for the next six hours, and Angela had the day off.

"Hodgins, why did you page me? Did you find something?" she asked.

"I'm not entirely sure," he replied, looking up from his microscope. "The victim showed signs of insect activity, at least at first, but nowhere near as much as there should have been, considering where we found him."

"So the body was moved."

Hodgins raised a finger. "That's another thing. I haven't finished analyzing the particulates, but what I've found so far has been wildly inconsistent. It's as if he was dragged all around the state," he said.

"So what you're telling me is you don't know when he died," Brennan began.

"The evidence is inconclusive, yes," Hodgins cut in quickly.

"And you don't know where he died either."

"Not yet, but I'm still working on it," he said.

"So why did you page me?" Brennan asked, irritated.

"There is one more thing," Hodgins began, pausing for effect.

Behind him, Angela rolled her eyes. Brennan ignored her.

"Yes?"

"I analyzed the subject in our victim's teeth. It was cerebral matter. Bovine, and no, I know what you're thinking. The material tested negative for mad cow."

Brennan blinked. "So our vic had unusual taste in meat. We could get a list of places in the area that serve brain, try to establish a timeline," she said.

"It's a good idea, but the meat showed no signs of being cooked. I'm pretty sure that doesn't meet health code standards, but that's not even the strangest thing," he said, grinning up at her. "You're never gonna believe this."

Brennan resisted the urge to shake him, which could be difficult when Hodgins got into full paranoia mode, and she hadn't seen him this overexcited since his argument with Zach over the moon landing nearly ended in violence.

Hodgins continued, oblivious. "The meat in the teeth shows almost no signs of decomposition, unlike the body itself, almost as if it was consumed after our vic died."

"That's not possible. We're missing something. Are you sure about the level of decomp?" she asked.

"Ran the tests three times, just to be sure. Zach was here, he can tell you," he said, nudging the younger man, who glared at him.

"The results were consistent, Dr. Brennan," he said, determinedly not looking at her.

"Is there anything else you need from the body?" Brennan asked.

Hodgins shook his head.

"Fine, then Zach, since you're here already, strip the flesh so we can at least find out what killed this man."

Zach nodded and reached for the table, but his hand was slapped away by the corpse.

The body sat up, staring straight at Brennan through milky eyes. "You want to do what to my flesh?" it asked incredulously.

Angela gasped, Brennan took a step back, and someone let out a shriek, though Zach and Hodgins both denied it.

Brennan recovered first. "Gas escaping the body. It's not an uncommon occurrence, especially in warmer months. Go on, Zach."

Angela raised an eyebrow. "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure escaping gas doesn't have a British accent."

"And it's October," Hodgins added.

Zach took a deep breath and stepped forward.

The corpse glared at him. "You can't have my flesh. I'm still using it. Now bugger off."

Brennan paused for a moment, thinking, then said, "Then it has to be a joke. Probably some elaborate Halloween prank of Booth's. And it isn't funny!" she raised her voice so any FBI agents lurking out of sight could hear her, but only received a few stares from passing lab techs in response.

The corpse laughed at her. His ear fell off.

"I refuse to believe this," Brennan said. "There is no scientific basis for," she stared at the corpse with disdain, "zombies."

Zach brightened a little. "Actually, there have been reports in Haiti of a toxological agent that can cause zombie-like behavior, and," he stopped abruptly when Hodgins put a hand on his shoulder.

Brennan shot Hodgins a quick look of gratitude before returning her attention to the man on the table.

"Leaving aside the fact that you shouldn't be able to move, let alone think and communicate," she said, "how are we supposed to find whoever did this without access to the bones? We haven't even been able to make a positive id yet."

The man shrugged. "That's simple enough. Name's Piers, Piers Morgan. You may have heard of me," he said.

"Not really," Brennan replied.

The man seemed to be trying to look hurt, but it came out as more of a leer. "No? How disappointing," he said. "Anyway, there's no one to find. Dying was unfortunate, but accidental. My current state, however," he looked down at the ear in his hand, "remains a mystery."

"What kind of accident?" Brennan asked.

"Fell, hit my head, woke up in the woods a few days later," he said with a shrug. "More importantly, could I possibly get my clothes back? Not that I mind you looking if I get to return the favor later," he flopped an eyelid in Angela's direction in a rough approximation of a wink, prompting a shudder, "but I had a needle and thread in the pocket for little mishaps," he said, looking down at the ear in his hand.

"Your clothes are in lockup. You can't have them back, but there's probably a needle around here somewhere," Dr. Brennan said.

"I'm on it, Dr. Brennan," Zach said quickly, looking relieved at the chance to get away from the talking corpse.

Brennan waved him off, still intently studying the man on the table. "One more question, Mr. Morgan, at least for now."

"Anything, and please, call me Piers," he said. "I'd give you a charming grin, but I'm afraid the fine motor control just isn't what it used to be."

"Why the brain matter? I'd think in your current condition that eating would no longer be an issue," she said.

Hodgins snorted. "Come on, Dr. Brennan. Even you have to know that zombies feast on the brains of the living in order to survive."

"This is rational scientific inquiry, not the late night double feature, Dr. Hodgins," Brennan snapped.

"He is right, though," Morgan replied. "I can't seem to help myself. However, I'm still not enough of a bastard to start attacking people, no matter what certain pigheaded motoring journalists might think."

He paused for a moment, thoughtful. "I will admit your young assistant is particularly tempting. Just how attached are you? Kidding, kidding," he quickly added at their looks of horror.

"Sorry I took so long. Is it still talking?" Zach asked as he reentered the lab, then stopped, his brow creasing slightly. "What? Why are you all staring at me?"

He was met with awkward coughing and several variations of "Oh, nothing." Morgan just licked his lips in a disconcerting fashion.

Zach blinked once, then recovered, handing Morgan the thick needle. "I couldn't find any normal thread, but steel suture wire should last longer. Do you need any, um, help?"

Morgan wrapped his fingers around Zach's wrist and leaned in close. Very close. "I appreciate the offer, but I can handle things, for now," he murmured.

Zach jerked away, nearly taking Morgan's hand with him in the process, and stumbled backwards over the foot of a nearby table. He landed rather unceremoniously on Hodgins, who helped him to his feet, though he continued to watch Morgan in fascinated revulsion.

Morgan noticed their stares and started to laugh again, hoarse and dry. His ear was crooked, exposed wire gleaming under the harsh fluorescent lights.

"You lot think that's good, just wait until I lose something a little more...delicate," he said, smirking in Zach's direction.

"How damaging would it to be to my manhood to move into a strategic position behind you now?" Zach asked Hodgins quietly.

Angela muffled a snicker.

In reply, Hodgins stepped forward to bodily place himself between Zach and the zombie. "But don't make a habit out of it," he said, teeth gritted.

"Down, boy. I only love him for his mind," Morgan said, amusement clearly written across his features.

Before Hodgins could retaliate, Brennan stepped forward, clearing her throat loudly. "Hodgins, don't encourage it. I'm calling Booth."

She looked back up at Morgan, wrinkling her nose slightly. "And get a sheet or something. Give the dead some dignity."

Ignoring Morgan's call of, "Dignity is overrated," she stepped away and dialed Booth's number, leaving Hodgins to bicker with the grinning corpse.

Booth, unsurprisingly, was not too happy to hear from her on a Saturday morning. She interrupted him before he could build up too much steam.

"Yes, I'm aware it's the weekend, Booth. Trust me, you need to see this," she said.

Booth groaned. "Of course I do. Do you at least know whether it's even in my jurisdiction this time?"

Brennan paused. "I'm...not sure. Wait! Nono don't hang up!"

She frowned and hit redial. He wasn't getting off the hook that easily.

Before he could say anything, she continued. "What I do know is that it could be a very delicate situation, and I trust you."

"Really?" Booth sounded taken aback.

"Yes. I might not always agree with your way of doing things, but I trust your discretion on this. I'd rather have you than a bunch of trigger-happy bureaucrats rampaging through my lab," she said.

He sighed. "That bad, huh? I'll be right over."

"Booth?"

A pause. "Yeah, what else?"

"Thanks."

She snapped the phone shut.

In retrospect, the hours of detailed questioning and extensive paperwork required to send Morgan home in one smirking, sentient piece were exhausting, but worth it in the eyes of the Jeffersonian staff. After all, it wasn't every day one got to see Special Agent Seeley Booth, ex-sniper and resident badass FBI guy, faint dead away when when their most recent acquisition sat up to greet him.


End file.
